just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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