I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
