Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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