someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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