you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
