OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
