Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
