party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
