I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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