halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
