i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
