Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
