I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need help removing her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
