Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
