This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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