he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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