Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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