this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
