Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
