The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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