I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
