I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
