he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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