apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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