i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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