i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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