im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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