Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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