I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
