You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
