My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
