i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
