I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
