i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
