the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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