i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
