I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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