well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
try to milk me bitch
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
