Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We need a shit load of segways right now
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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