ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
