Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
