just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
