so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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