im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
