my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
