did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
