Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
