he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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