I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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