i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
